The other day, more specifically Sunday morning, I did something, or had a moment that I had not had for a long, long time. Basically, for a small period of about three hours, I experienced the sort of feeling that you get waking up on the first day of the summer holidays at the end of the year in primary school. Yes, you should all know that feeling. You generally have nothing to worry about, all the time in the world, and you could just do exactly what you wanted to do. Actually, this moment wasn't quite like that, but I at least felt like I was relived of everything for a small three hours, and I could just lie there, in my bed, and think about stuff. Everything/nothing.
One of the things I did for those hours was look up above my bed at a new piece of artwork that I hung on the wall a few days earlier. It made me feel happy, for some unknown reason, and I thought about how good it was, when I was younger and had no issues hanging over my head all the time, to be able to just sit, and spend time making art and drawing and the like. I used to do it all the time, and I would produce what I (and, I am fairly sure, a considerable number of others) thought was some fantastic stuff. But I just don't do this sort of thing anymore.
I used to get fired up, passionate and so immensely excited about spending a day, sitting outside, on the grass, or in my tree house, or anywhere, just drawing, and spending time with myself. Why don't I ever do this anymore?
All I want is to be able to spend some time living in the present again, and possibly go and just draw again, like I remember I used to love doing. I want all my issues, the ones that prevent me from feeling like I can spend carefree time doing what I feel like, to just float away, even for just one day, and for time to stop.
To be able to just be, and forget about the rest of the world for a moment is the greatest. I am hoping I can at least have some similar time to this over the holidays which are coming up next week, but I know it will be immensely hard, as I have just to many things to think about. And when I have things on my mind, they stay there, and my brain talks through them to no avail for hours on end, causing me to not often concentrate on everything else I am doing. This only adds to my lack of concentration that is making it very hard to do a lot of things.
All I want is some time alone. Not necessartily on my own, but away from all the dilemmas and problems of life. Some time away from thinking, for a change. Some enjoyment time. Some drawing time. Some nothing time.
But it is so hard.
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"It's a job that's never started that takes the longest to finish." - J. R. R. Tolkien
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- Jono
- Designer, Writer, Musician, Secret Agent. Jono is probably your best friend, and if he's not, he probably should be.
4 comments:
This was a great blog jono. I love when you are open, because I don't see it all the time. I smiled while reading this.
I know what you mean about having that time to do those little things you enjoy so much. Mine was playing with lego and piano, and I don't do it that often anymore. Piano I have been finding time for lately, because I know that it makes me feel good, and sometimes, you need to just make yourself feel good.
You're right about your art - I think it's great. I'd love to see more. Maybe you could combine your other passions - such as warm fuzzies, or blogging, etc. - and make art for a purpose. Or even for your own purpose, for yourself.
Don't let the weight of yours and the whole world rest upon your shoulders alone. There are many who deal with the things you deal with - to a different degree and with different situations - but still are dealing. If you need time, just take it. Don't go on the computer, don't watch your dvds. Just go. I have been slowly starting to do this more - to realise when I just can't handle something or really don't need to do whatever it is I'm doing - and to just go have some me time. Usually with no technology, no people, mostly nothing. Or I try to be creative. Or meditate.
There will always be 'buts' and 'hard' aspects to everything. You can't hide from them, but they are not uncrossable barriers. They mostly appear much more difficult than they after you've actually crossed them. Like a one way glass, on one side it seems you can only see the current situation and walls, but on the other, you can see the old and the new, and all around it. Weird analogy yes, but it's what I thought about.
So go. Now. Quiet time. Stuff blob, blogging, msn, computer, tv, music, all of that. Go draw. Or dance. Whatever makes you happy.
I would, possibly, but how can I not do something like blob? It is, at the moment, the greatest part of my day. Doing blob, an artisticish thing in which I do for the benefit of others is so good to me. This sort of thing is one of my those passions I mentioned, that I only end up realising when I'm actually dong it.
I also used to lvoe playing with lego, and I still do. Occasionally, normally only get a chance in the summer holidays, but occasionally, I do play with it, and it makes me happy. Being creative with that sort of thing is another of the things that I love doing.
And also, it is not things like dvds or blog that get in my way, it is issues and stuff that clog up my mind. Things that I cannot escape from, even if I have no specific tasks to complete in any given time. So my position is still bad.
Anyway, thank you for your comment. I ,love your analogy. Analogies are good. Yes.
My mistake. If blob makes you happy, then yes, do it.
However there is this:
Things like quiet time and meditation and creative time don't happen for most of us on a regular basis. Quite often, as you will have seen and heard in small group, it is featured in the highlights of someone's week if they have done it. So maybe still try and do it anyway, because change is good.
I used dvds and computer as examples, mainly because I know you use them lots. For me, if I have too much to think about, I'll do something that requires none of it - like go on the computer. But perhaps, more constructively, I could go have quiet time instead. What do you think?
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