Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Do not eat that orange

Fred, I said Fred.
Before you go to bed:
Do not eat that orange,
Or you will wind up dead.

You can eat an apple now.
You can even eat a cow.
But do not eat that orange.
Do not ask why or how.

"My friend, my friend" you said.
"I do not want to be dead!
But let me eat that orange,
Before I go to bed.

Eat ham, steak or cheese.
Devour whatever you please!
I'm not doing this to taunt,
to bully, to prank or to tease.

I said it once, understand?
And will sing in aloud, in a band!
You must, right now, do what I say.
You must heed my command.

Fred, just listen carefully to me.
What more could you possibly want to be?
An orange will not change your looks.
So do not eat it, it's bad, don't you see?

Fred, I said Fred!
What is wrong with your head?
Do not eat that orange,
before you go to bed.

Jonathan Croxford, 2006

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The Destruction of Words

'It's a beatutiful thing, the destruction of words. Of course the great wastage is in the verbs and adjectives, but there are hundreds of nouns that can be got rid of as well. It isn't only the synonyms; there are also the antonyms. After all, what justification is there for a word which is simply the opposite of some other word? A word contains its opposite in itself. Take "good", for isntance. If you have a word like "good", what need is there for a word like"bad"? "Ungood" will do just as well--better, because it's an exact opposite, which the other is not. Or again, if you want a stronger version of "good", what sense is there in having a whole string of vague useless words like "excellent" and "splendid" and all the rest of them? "Plusgood" covers the meaning; or "doubleplusgood" if you want something stronger still. Of course we use those forms already, but in the final version of Newspeak there'll be nothing else. In the end the whole notion of goodness and badness will be covered by only six words--in reality, only one word. Don't you see the beauty of that?'

George Orwell, in describing Newspeak.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

1 = 2

The world has just been proven wrong by Jono once again. Mathematics is wrong! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Now, why is Jono justified in telling you this? I know, because I am Jono. For any student or ex-student of maths who knew what they were doing should understand these simple steps of algebra:

1. a = b (Fair enough, right?)
2. a^2 = ab (Basic algebra)
3. a^2-b^2 = ab - b^2
4. (a-b)(a+b) = b(a-b)
5. (a+b) = b
6. a+b = b
7. And since a = b: 2a = a
8. 2 = 1

And hence, jono has proven mathematically that 2 =1. But to all those smart specialist students who might like to tell me: "Jono, you can't divide by zero!", I say: "Shut up." My theory works! Say otherwise and I will destroy you.

Friday, November 03, 2006

First Entry

Once, there was Jono, before that, they had not invented the word "Best".

Welcome to the fantastic blog of Jono Croxford. Here you will undergo thrills, excitements and near-death experiences, so long as you continue to read. As part of this first blog, I will make known a few truths that must be understood before reading on.

1. Chances are, Jono knows more about things than you. If he doesn't, then you are weird.
2. If you sell fundraising chocolates, Jono can buy them for 50c.
3. If you do not sell fundraising chocolates, you must begin to sell them.
4. So long as you are reading this, Jono is the center of your attention.
5. There is no reason why, at any given moment, you should not be buying a present for Jono.
6. If Jono has a problem, you can fix it for him.
7. If jono does not have a problem, do not give him one.
8. In no way is Jono affiliated with the high revenue washing machine tablet product: "Jonofiz".
9. In no way is Jono affiliated with the words "less", "not" and "bad".
10. If Jono was playing chess with you, you would let him win.